Making Love on the TTC (Toronto Public Transit)

Come make love

On the TTC

But avoid

The blue seats

 

Save those for

The children

The seniors and

Mothers-to-be

 

Who’s breathing

on my neck

Who’s pulling

down my pants

 

Why, it’s my lover

Encouraging me

To have a quickie

On the TTC

 

Our final destination

Without hesitation

The end of the line

Multiple times

 

Dear TTC driver

Please, don’t stop

Don’t, oh God

Don’t stooooooooooooooop

 

Good evening, officer

Am I getting arrested

For having sex in public

I swear, I’ve been tested

 

Can’t you see

No HIV, no STD’s

Now let me go

I demand to be free

 

Good morning, your Honour

Love your black robe

Makes you look smart

No need to probe

 

Your Honour, I’m not guilty

To indecent exposure

To public nuisance

Two legs on my shoulder

 

The verdict is in

The judge has ruled

Castration by Bobbit

Not cool, dude, not cool

 

Come make love

On the TTC

But avoid

The blue seats

 

Save those for

Mothers

Seniors and

Men like me

Canadian Election Results 2015

Musings

Trudeau must be thinking, “Wow, I’m the next Prime Minister of Canada. I only ran because of a drunken bet!”

Was it Justin Trudeau or Pierre Trudeau who had an affair with The Rolling Stones?

Harper begins life outside of politics by writing his new book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’

As well, Harper starts his new cover band in Montreal called, The Nig-Habs.

 

Call Us Back, Damn It

As your mother and father
We have something to say
We saw your credit statement
To our shock and dismay

Call us back, damn it!
Call us how?
Call us at home
Call us right now!

We called yesterday
We called twice before
Every time we call you
The call is ignored

Are you avoiding us?
Are we a disease?
We changed your diapers
Answer me, please

Call us back, damn it!
Call us how?
Call us at home
Call us right now!

What? Who’s pregnant?
Now you’re engaged?
Answer your phone
Yes, we’re enraged.

Just got your message
You’re keeping the baby?
She says she loves you
She’ll text you, maybe?

Call us back, damn it!
Call us how?
Call us at home
Call us right now!

One Offs

Lulu
I once worked for lululemon. Their company motto is, ‘Sweat once a day.’ Unless you work in one of their factories then it’s, ‘Sweat 16 hours a day.’

Homeless man
The other day I was walking down the street and a homeless man asked for spare change. “Sorry, I don’t have any money.” I replied. He shook his head, “Then, get a job.”

God
Is there a divine plan or does God say, “I’m bored and it’s Wednesday.”

Mick Jagger
I realized something the other day, Mick Jagger isn’t actually singing about ‘Brown Sugar.’

Writer’s Block
I had the worst case of writer’s block. I asked Shakespeare for help. Couldn’t understand a damn word he said. And I thought the man was English.

Making God Laugh
My father told me, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.” I’m going to buy a boat and said around the world! “That’s what Noah said.”

Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is a European tradition. It goes back to the ancient Egyptians when pharaohs would wear birds on their heads as a sign of fertility.

Knock, and it shall be opened

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”
– Luke 11:19

But….
Where do I engage in this knocking?
How loud should I knock?
What time is too early? Too late?
Who will answer?
Should I bring a hostess gift?
Is casual attire appropriate or is business professional expected?
Does Ye need to decipher more parables?
Can straight forward answers be given?
What if Ye hasn’t been to church in many years? Did Tho keep attendance?
Tho wrote everything down?!?
Oh boy…how many rosaries does Ye need to say for penance?
That many!!! What if Ye switches religions?
They all lead to the same door?!?!?!?!
What is purgatory like this time of year?