Beauty Tips From Justin Trudeau

Dear Justin,
I love your big puffy hair! It reminds me of when you speak; all volume with no substance. The only reasons you were elected leader of the federal Liberal party was due to your father’s reputation as Prime Minister and the Liberal’s desperate attempt at returning to power. You get by in life based on your looks, and name. Get a haircut and go back to teaching Drama.
-B.M.

Dear Ben,
You write every week and make no effort to disguise your return address: c/o Ben Mulroney. Why must we fight? Both our fathers were Prime Ministers. When my father retired from office the Liberals lost the next election. When your father retired from office…did he take the entire Conservative party with him? I kid.
As you know, being a Canadian sex icon is incredibly difficult. I’m jealous of your sculpted jaw, bright smile and remarkably clear skin. What kind of skin care products do you use? Have you tried Meaningful Beauty by Cindy Crawford? Divine! Let’s do lunch and talk about our hair, my treat. I know a great restaurant down by the Meech, I mean beach. But I lost my wallet, is it okay if I bring an envelope stuffed with $300,000 in cash?
-J.T.

Harping on Love: Relationship Advice From Stephen Harper #2

Dear Stephen,
Finally, after all these years I have found the woman of my dreams. However, we come from different religious backgrounds; I’m Christian, she’s Muslim and not a Canadian citizen. I worry our faiths and citizenship status may prevent us from sharing a beautiful future together. Any advice?
-Hopelessly Romantic

Dear Hopeless,
I’m pleased to say under my leadership as Prime Minister the Harper Government created the Office of Religious Freedom. I would never suppress a person’s right to express themselves unless they are members of my cabinet. Don’t worry about love intermingling between two faiths. Just remember on the day she becomes a Canadian citizen tell your girlfriend not to cover her face. I believe, “it is offensive that someone would hide their identity at the very moment where they are committing to join the Canadian family.” In Canada we love to see smiling faces. I smiled twice last year. Good luck:)

Dear Stephen,
I’m a hardworking career woman, with everything going for me. However, I find it difficult to find a man who matches my expectations. Like many women, I feel attracted to a man in power. My question, Mr. Prime Minister: what is your ideal woman?
– Hardworking Woman

Dear Hardly Listening,
I like a woman I can shout at as I’m quite the alpha male around parliament. Just ask Barbie Stronach, Barbie Guergis and Barbie Adams. I’m attracted to the kind of woman who I can force to resign from cabinet with no proof of misconduct and bury her career so far down even a teaching job at U of T looks good. I guess you could say I like to play hard to get.