My cat says
You can turn your life around
If you choose to
Not that way
The other way
To your right
Now, you’re spinning
Put me down
I’m getting sick
I feel a hair ball
It’s in my throat
Here it comes
I teach English as a second language to adults in their twenties and thirties from Japan and Korea. Occasionally, I write down their more colourful quotes on love and relationships.
A girl said, “I enjoy watching T.V. because sometimes I don’t want to look at my boyfriend.”
Another girl said, “I want to be in a relationship because I don’t want to gain weight alone.”
A boy said, “My girlfriend is not my girlfriend.”
Another boy said, “I did it with a gay in Thailand. But I’m not gay. He was beautiful. We finished.”
May 24, 1871 (age 15)
Father is bent on teaching me to be a man. On Saturday mornings he insists on taking me fishing. I hate fishing because every time we go I either break my rod or drop it in the lake. Father says it is a veiled sign of castration. What the hell does that mean? Father usually yells at me for being clumsy then we spend the next two hours sitting in silence. Today, I avoided any such problems by inviting my friend Carl. He’s a great conversationalist. Once I saw Carl talk to a carrier pigeon for thirty minutes about the benefits of eating Swiss cheese. Maybe Carl needs glasses.
Anyways, we were out fishing when Father lit his pipe and offered us a puff. Father loves his tobacco and I was caught off guard by his generosity. But not Carl, he jumped at the chance. Carl took a couple of puffs, started coughing violently before vomiting into the lake. Good chum for the fish, I piped up. Perfect joke, I thought, but nobody laughed. Father says tobacco is a healthy substitution for masturbation. He let out an obnoxious laugh before saying, “It’s one of my great habits, boys.” Carl and I stood there in silence. Neither of us dared to make eye contact and no one spoke for the rest of the morning. Of course, we were confused. Which habit was Father talking about?
I love your big puffy hair! It reminds me of when you speak; all volume with no substance. The only reasons you were elected leader of the federal Liberal party was due to your father’s reputation as Prime Minister and the Liberal’s desperate attempt at returning to power. You get by in life based on your looks, and name. Get a haircut and go back to teaching Drama.
You write every week and make no effort to disguise your return address: c/o Ben Mulroney. Why must we fight? Both our fathers were Prime Ministers. When my father retired from office the Liberals lost the next election. When your father retired from office…did he take the entire Conservative party with him? I kid.
As you know, being a Canadian sex icon is incredibly difficult. I’m jealous of your sculpted jaw, bright smile and remarkably clear skin. What kind of skin care products do you use? Have you tried Meaningful Beauty by Cindy Crawford? Divine! Let’s do lunch and talk about our hair, my treat. I know a great restaurant down by the Meech, I mean beach. But I lost my wallet, is it okay if I bring an envelope stuffed with $300,000 in cash?
Finally, after all these years I have found the woman of my dreams. However, we come from different religious backgrounds; I’m Christian, she’s Muslim and not a Canadian citizen. I worry our faiths and citizenship status may prevent us from sharing a beautiful future together. Any advice?
I’m pleased to say under my leadership as Prime Minister the Harper Government created the Office of Religious Freedom. I would never suppress a person’s right to express themselves unless they are members of my cabinet. Don’t worry about love intermingling between two faiths. Just remember on the day she becomes a Canadian citizen tell your girlfriend not to cover her face. I believe, “it is offensive that someone would hide their identity at the very moment where they are committing to join the Canadian family.” In Canada we love to see smiling faces. I smiled twice last year. Good luck:)
I’m a hardworking career woman, with everything going for me. However, I find it difficult to find a man who matches my expectations. Like many women, I feel attracted to a man in power. My question, Mr. Prime Minister: what is your ideal woman?
– Hardworking Woman
Dear Hardly Listening,
I like a woman I can shout at as I’m quite the alpha male around parliament. Just ask Barbie Stronach, Barbie Guergis and Barbie Adams. I’m attracted to the kind of woman who I can force to resign from cabinet with no proof of misconduct and bury her career so far down even a teaching job at U of T looks good. I guess you could say I like to play hard to get.
It is the first time any of my writing has ever been published. Check it out at:
Read Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s take on relationships and politics. Plus, look how cute he looks with kittens!
With the Toronto Maple Leafs stuck in a tail spin, losing 20 of their past 24 games and their leading scorer Phil Kessel scoring only 4 goals in their past 24 games, a new picture book for kids is in hot demand.
Similar to, ‘Where’s Waldo?’ the book is called, ‘Where’s Kessel?’ Each page has a picture of the Toronto Maple Leafs playing hockey against another NHL team. Kids will enjoy hours of fun searching for Kessel on the ice. Just like in real life, they may grow frustrated when they can’t find him.
An even harder challenge: finding a new captain, a new GM and a new direction. Don’t forget a new power play and defense!
At the back of the book children will find a section called, Young Talent Give Away. There’s a Tuukka Rask page, an Alex Steen page, and a Tyler Sequin page. Fortunately, those guys are easy to find.
Don’t believe anything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or text.
All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.
– Edgar Allen Poe
I count religion but a childish toy, and hold there is no sin but ignorance.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Religion…is opium of the people. Religion is a tool played by the elites to control the masses. It plays on fear and feeds on isolation.
– Karl Marx
The three opiates of the masses; vodka, the church and cinema.
– Leon Trotsky
Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.
– Mark Twain
Having a war about religion is like having a fight over who’s got the best imaginary friend.
– Yasser Arafat
As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents.
– George Orwell
When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let’s pray’. We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
– Desmond Tutu
God is dead, and we killed him.
God is a metaphor for that which transcends all level of intellectual thought. It’s as simple as that.
– Joseph Campbell
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
– John Lennon
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love.
– Bill Hicks
My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
– Dali Lama
Heaven is on earth and man does not see it.
The late, great Bill Hicks; comedian, philosopher, explorer of alter states of consciousness and political critic. I just finished reading a wonderfully hilarious book on Bill called, Love All The People, by John Lahr and Bill Hicks. This treasure trove of material has Hicks ranting on everything from drugs, to politics to religion and everything dumb about Western culture.
One of my personal favs on drugs:
George H. Bush says we are losing the war on drugs. You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and people on drugs are winning it. What does THAT tell you about drugs! Some smart and creative people on that side. They’re winning a war and they’re fucked up! It’s not a war on drugs, it’s a war on personal freedom.
Alcohol and cigarettes are a drug. And they killed more people than crack, coke and heroin…combined!
As well, I love when he points out the hypocrisy in politics and government.
The Supreme Court says pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thought. Hmmmm, sounds like EVERY commercial on television doesn’t it?
In article by Doug Stern which I read in American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story by Cynthia True, Hicks talks about how Denis Leary stole material from him. Both Hicks and Leary were good friends until Leary’s comedy album, No Cure for Cancer, came out. Hick’s was pissed at how much of his own material Leary lifted from him. Here is a great quote by Hicks on Leary:”I have a scoop for you. I stole his (Leary’s) act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did.”
The video clip I have included above is the famous spot that Hicks did on David Letterman back in 1993. However, after taping, Letterman got nervous and pulled it from the show. There was a fall out between the two men and Hicks was never on the show again. Bill died in 1994 from cancer. Then in January 2009, Letterman invited Hicks’s mother on to the show to apologize and air the stand up bit which was considered to ‘racy’ back in 1993. Enjoy!
December 16, 2014.
My first entry. Decided to post John Lennon’s Happy Christmas (War is Over) video. The song was originally released in America in 1971. Lennon bought giant billboard spaces in 12 major cities around the world. The message in large black lettering behind a white background was simple: War is Over. Underneath those famous words in smaller print: If you want it. Billboards appeared in New York, Los Angeles, Toronto, Rome, Athens, Amsterdam, Berlin, Paris, London, Tokyo, Hong Kong and Helsinki.
“Now I understand what you have to do: Put your political message across with a little honey.”